tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central February 26, 2015 9:24am-9:58am PST
is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey. welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good show. my guest tonight, conan o'brien. he's going to be joining us later on. first, as many of you know, i'm going to be leaving the show here to join a monastery. someone are the me know the actual definition of a moment of zen is more satisfying than a four-6-second clip of a reporter somewhere tripping over their dick. my anowments of leaving did not go unnoticed. >> jon stewart's surprise announcement. >> 16 years as host of the "daily show." now he's stepping aside. >> i don't think overall he's been a force for good because i think especially in his later years he got a little nasty. >> jon: a little nasty!
not a force for good! okay, i can handle pathat. ( laughter ) but megyn "in his later years." ( laughter ) i am only 52. i got four to five productive years left, and then about 10 to 15 that with mostly ehhh. and then i guess, you know, the last four or five angry, confused years, or as they're sometimes referred to, the fox news viewer demo years. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know what, i'm just kidding. it's all good. everybody's entitled to their opinion. >> what he added to our political discourse was largely sarcasm, insults, and dishonest editing. >> you know it's clearly selective editing of clips. >> i can speak personally to a lot of the attacks that were levied on me had no footholds in
the facts. dishonest and no foothold in the fact? you have casted aspertions upon my honor! ( laughter ) and i demand satisfaction! ( laughter ) i challenge you, fox news to a lie-off. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) your distortions and lack of fact footholds against mine. to start us off here are 50 of yoursyours in six seconds. ( clock ticking ) ( laughter ) plenty more where that came from. only have a 22-minute show. actually just go to the web site
and puruse each lie at your leisure. you see, something of a conventional wisdom about this show has taken hold on the right a thought they've become so comfortable with they don't even feel the need to offer evidence to support it, that we lie and distort things all the time to make them look bad. it's perhaps best summed up by this fella here. >> jon stewart has help to polarize the country by poisoning the republican brand. oh yes "n"." >> jon: poisoning the republican brand! ( laughter ) you're talking about this brand right here. >> the college co-ed susan fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex. what does that make her? it makes her a shut right? >> if any race of people should not have guilt about slavery it's caucasians. obama's entire economic program is reparations. >> he is moving all around and
shaking and it's purely an act. this is really shameless of michael j. fox. >> jon: we poisoned that brand. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just out of curiosity, let me ask you a question-- and i mean this sincerely-- how do you poison a cyanide factory? ( laughter ) but see the little game that they play here is the only reason the right looks bad is that these guys are unfair liars. by the way, that sentiment is brought to you by arby's. jon stewart cannot destroy a brand by telling people whose in it. my point is-- ( laughter ) we don't lie. we don't distort. we actually have a fellow who works in the building who uses every fiber of his being to prevent us from doing so.
that moral bastard! that-- >> jon. >> jon: what? >> actually, my parents were married so technically i'm not a bastard. >> jon: fine! it just was a figure of speech! the point is on the right they're pretending that our toothfulness is what's really important to them which ironically is not true. what matters to the right is discrediting anything that they believe harms their side. that's their prime directive. and unlike captain kirk, they ( bleep ) stick with the prime directive. they don't just drop the prot colany time they feel like humping a green girl in a unitarred. look this mission drives their attack on all the institutions that form the foundation of the country they purport to love so dearly. >> our vague and very broken government got bigger and more broken. >> americans already suffering in a broken education system. >> teachers suggesting america is evil. >> america's election system,
broken. >> science itself seems a little bit corrupt. there's a lot of agendas involved. >> voter fraud is rampant. >> jon: and pra, pray tell, is wrong with these institutions. >> are liberals ignoring science to push their agenda? >> the liberal left trying to destroy too many good things about our country. >> cure the cancer of liberalism that has america on her knees. >> jon: on her knees! ( bleep )! all of our liberal dicks! all of them! each institution suffering from the same malady of liberalism and what can be done? this is their genius. they purport to want to fix things but conservatives are not look to make education more rigorous and informative. or science more empirical or verifiable. or voting more representative. or the government more efficient or effective. they just want all those things to reinforce their partisan ideological conservative viewpoints. because in their minds the opposite of bad isn't good.
the opposite of bad is conservative. the opposite of wrong isn't right. well okay, but you get my point! it's right wing. they judge solely on the level of conservative content in everything. it's their only litmus test even stupid ( bleep ). >> if you thought "american sniper" success and hollywood was getting less liberal, you didn't see the oscars last night. >> the megahit snubbed on sunday night at the oscars. >> clint eastwood, yeah, he spoke up for the republican party. we don't like him. we'll make a point. >> is clint eastwood the problem with "american sniper" because he was at the r.n.c., talking to the chair? >> probably. >> jon: clint eastwood has been a conservative icon under years. oscar has awarded him for best picture. they made the movie in the first place and nominated for best picture. fine hollywood didn't give best picture to "american sniper" so they must hate america.
no they didn't even give best picture to the best picture. for god's sake if oscar nominations were based on liberal street cred-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) you can stream it on itune and it's available on blu-ray as st. patrick's day gift. ( laughter ) and you know the saddest part of all this? republicans, conservatives are so ( bleep ) relentless in their drive for ideological purity, that those institutions they complain about continue to cave for the same reason i guess that you always seem to end up going to the restaurant the four-year-old wants to go to. fine! we're going to get fribbles again! just stop crying! 15 states have approved voter i.d. laws in the abs sense of evidence of fraud.
abstinence is approved sex education, and scientific fact isn't reported now. it's debated. so let's just stop. let's stop pretending that these concessions to the right will at any point say the sate the beast. >> what do you make of pope francis. >> he has statements that to me sound lebl has taken me aback. ( laughter ). >> jon: the pope isn't conservative enough for these people. ( laughter ) so let's just stop giving in to them. guys, take it from someone who's been watch what they do for a blessedly almost-over 16 years or so. they're chronically angry war for ideological purity where every aspect of life becomes a two-dimensional battle for america's soul it ages you. even watching it is killing me. ( laughter ) this was me at the start of tonight's show. ( laughter )
and if you think that's a lie, i've got a vine video i want to show you. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) before earning enough cash back from bank of america to help pay for her kids' ice time. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time. and 2% back at the grocery store. even before she got 3% back on gas all with no hoops to jump through. katie used her bankamericard cash rewards credit card to stay warm and toasty during the heat of competition. that's the comfort of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you. that's a terrible call! take the crust flavor challenge and get any one of our ten new crust flavors for free. plus order online and get a large 2-topping pizza for just $7.99. only at pizza hut. (clucking noises) everyone wants to be the cadbury bunny because only he brings delicious
cadbury creme eggs. while others may keep trying nobunny knows easter better than cadbury. i bring the gift of the name your price tool to help you find a price that fits your budget. uh-oh. the name your price tool. she's not to be trusted. kill her. flo: it will save you money! the name your price tool isn't witchcraft! and i didn't turn your daughter into a rooster. she just looks like that. burn the witch! the name your price tool a dangerously progressive idea. after a trip to their local autozone for parts and some helpful advice. bernie and jose were ready to knuckle down to tackle a much needed brake job. this shot in the arm made bernie and jose feel like they could muscle through, anything. ♪ ♪
it's called the zone and well help get you there. get in the zone, autozone. (vo) after 50 years of designing cars for crash survival, subaru has developed our most revolutionary feature yet. a car that can see trouble... ...and stop itself to avoid it. when the insurance institute for highway safety tested front crash prevention nobody beat subaru models with eyesight. not honda. not ford or any other brand. subaru eyesight. an extra set of eyes, every time you drive. [ female announcer ] hot pockets sandwiches are even tastier with delicious quality ingredients. like hickory ham... that's right baby.
( cheers and applause ) displ welcome back. time now for a little government accountability check-in. who is up. >> aaron shock has been asked a lot of questions after redecorating his capitol hill office street in the style of the pbs tv series "downton abbey." >> jon: the guy loves a little early 19s english aesthetic. what's the problem? >> so who's paying for it all? >> jon: oh right. which brins us to our new segment "pride goeth before the fall." now, shock's defense in decor-gate was as dignified as his wallpaper. >> you know taylor swift said haters are gonna hate. ( laughter ) >> jon: true. but also auditors are going to
audit indierts are going to indict and voters are going to vote. but the do you wanton outcry led to a closer examination of sheik accounting and it turns out he's been spending money on a lot more than throw pillows. >> according to investigation by the a.p., the illinois congressman spent more than $40,000 flying on private planes. >> he also reportedly took his interns to an out-of-state katy perry concert last june. two months later, records reveal a nearly $2,000 expense from stubhub hub.com. the pac reportedly spent $1400 on a massage parlor for fund-raising events. >> jon: a fund-raising event at a massage parlor. what was called for our children's future, too many reach-arounds? now traditionally finding proof of a public figure's misdeeds requires a news organization to launch a massive investigation apparatus, deep off-the-record, deep late-night dumpster diving.
that's how of not how it works in 2015. >> congressman enjoys taking selfies of himself and posting it on instagram, and he did it around the country, and the a.perform was able to find out where he was geographically and what he was doing. >> jon: instagram. a.p. used the same sophisticated sleuthing technique i used when a my writer claimed he was sick with the ovarian cysts when i found out he was at the lobster festival stuffing his mouth two hoff pounders. i'm on to you matt kof, if! by the way, awares that bib to work every day. not only when eating lobsters. congressman we're fair people. we'll reserve "j" on you until we see these instagrams. but let's see the instagrams. >> i'm doing the tango on the street of buenos aires to doing the 80 tv yeah shot, catching waves in waikiki. >> parasailingsailing in argentina.
>> jon: what the? that's so-- ( laughter ) holy ( bleep )! how did that get here! where did this mountain dew come from? i guess just from watching it. remember that whole-- remember that whole pride thing i was talking about. congressman shock if you have an instagram, everything you're doing, they might not have busted you. while shock is raising eyebrows in the media, the instagram community is loving this one commenter wrote my congressman is like 1,000 years expoald never does stuff like this. you're the coolest. ( laughter ) all my congressman does is pass legislation, govern, and like wear shirts. he's so lame. ♪ haters gonna hate hate, hate ♪ while this may all be unethical i gotta admit it looks really fun to be this guy. live it up while you can. buddy as a wise woman once said-- well, i'll let her tell
marcia, what happened? >>peter hit me in the nose with a football. i can't go to the dance like this. well i'm sure it was an accident sweetheart. >>an eye for an eye, that's what dad always says. >>i never said that, honey. shut up! time to teach peter a lesson. >>marcia, eat a snickers®. why? >>you get a little hostile when you're hungry. better? >>better. >>marcia, marcia, marcia... . jan, this isn't about you. it never is! ♪ ♪ that's a terrible call! take the crust flavor challenge and get any one of our ten new crust flavors for free. plus order online and get a large 2-topping pizza for just $7.99. only at pizza hut. [ female announcer ] hot pockets sandwiches are even tastier with delicious quality ingredients. like hickory ham... that's right baby. ...and our buttery seasoned crusts. then we add hot. because hot makes
everything better. [ ding! ] [ female announcer ] better taste. better quality. ♪ hot pockets! ♪ cheez-it grooves are the best of both worlds. like a cheez-it and a chip. ooooh, you just put 'em together. yes. closer. cloooooser... (cheese makes kissing noises) they're kissing! (cheese laughs uncontrollably) we take time for our cheese to mature in our crispy cheez-it grooves. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: my guest tonight is the host of conan on tbs. >> this week. right? okay? we roll this together right? hello. this is the inspector. what's wrong with it? cubana. no no, no. congratulations, i had a baby. no?
wow! ( laughter ) >> jon: please welcome conan o'brien. ( cheers and applause ) >> where do i go, here? >> jon: how are you? >> thank you, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome! >> yes! hola! hola! you're fluent! incredible. >> jon: but you are fluent. >> i'm not really fluent. i have a pretty good eighth grade spanish that i have kept up over the years, and that served me well. we brought two of our writers who are fluent and we brought two of them to help us in cuba. >> jon: so conan went to cuba and shot a show there. >> an episode of my show. president obama announced that
we were going to try and warm up relations a little bit with cuba. i thought this is my chance. i want to get in before "the view." ( laughter ) because you know they're honing in on this thing. and so we-- we got down there. we actually weren't sure we were going to get into the country because because we department make a lot of preparations. >> jon: sure. >> we weren't sure we were going to get into the country. we flew in. we were told we had the right papers. we showed up. there's no internet, so our phones didn't work. we got off the plane -- >> there is no internet at all. >> there is no internet. they do not want people freedom exchanging information, so there's no internet, which is very strange. we got off the plane. we walked in. we handed our papers to them. the guy looked at it our phones are dead and our plane is gone and the guy just looked at us and he said no. ( laughter ) and i didn't know what's going to happen now? are we going to get out? are we going to get in? what's going to happen? we wandered into a little building and there was an old
television and it was playing "gilmore girls" in spanish. and i've never -- >> the only way to watch it. >> yeah. i've never felt more happy to see-- it was so-- and it was rory deciding, i'm going to quit yale or should i stay in yale? and i was enthrawld. i'm watching it in spanish. the parents are upset. the grandparents are upset. no one in cuba cared. no one was watching the tv. and then finally -- >> when you came in didn't anyone say -- >> no they do not know me? i was i.d.'d by-- i got in. our camera crew got in. what happened was i started walking around and started shooting in cuba. we didn't know how long we were going to stay. and immediately canadians, those damn canadians you all know what i'm talking about. the scourge of the world. no the the can neighborhoods started canadian tourists are
there and tourists from europe -- >> isn't that the weird part. you go through this thing, you might get killed. you can't get in you have to show your papers. meanwhile, people from the entire rest of the world have been going there forever and are just like "oh hey." >> yeah, but it is a completely different world. it is a world that is frozen in time. my concept of this was i just want to go and meet the people. obviously, it's a politically challengerred situation, but i want to go and do my by-now tired stchick for these people and see if it is amuse glg they seemed to be quite taken. >> i learned to dance there. i learned to -- >> what dance did you learn? >> the rumba. the erotic rumba. >> jon: i think that's actually a vacuum cleaner. i'm pretty sure that's-- >> apparently it's both. apparently it is both. i learned-- i went to a rum factory, became intoxicated. made that at a cigar factory where 400 people work and they're artists. they make these beautiful
cigars handmade, each one -- >> cigars, rum, and dancing, so basically it was a like a date night. >> it was-- it was a sophisticated spring break. >> jon: were they interested in-- once you said-- did they smelt american ow or did they think-- did you try and pass? >> i thought i was from ireland. ( laughter ) they're like, "it's a leprechaun!" bob's big boy displ they know bob's big boy. >> yeah. >> jon: that's interesting. >> they are very interested in how the united states views them. the people are very interested in getting to know us, and us getting to know them. they're very eager for it. we had no government intervention. it was very sweet. i didn't want to be comedically snarky in any way. i did not want it to be that. i wanted it to be me, the joke is on me. i'm the fish out of water. i wanted to try to make them laugh and get to know the people
and they were fantastic. >> jon: i really think it's going to be a love of the people. the government who the the hell cares. but the people i think are thirsting for that interaction. >> they are definitely thirsting for it. >> jon: when does it air? >> oh, it will never air. >> jon: what! >> i'm just waste yurg time. it's next week, wednesday, march 4, i think. anybody got an app? i think it's the 4th. i don't know, i'm jet lagged. oh, it's right there! you know what's crazy, as you asked me, i saw it right there. and i thought there's a reason you're leaving. ( laughter ) right there! >> jon: conan o'brien on tbs week night as 11:00 and the special airs march 4. conan o'brien. ( cheers and applause ) automotive innovation starts... right here. with a control pad that can read your handwriting, a wide-screen multimedia center, and a head-up display
for enhanced driver focus. all inside a redesigned cabin of unrivaled style and comfort. the 2015 c-class. at the very touchpoint of performance and innovation. see your authorized mercedes-benz dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. (clucking noises) everyone wants to be the cadbury bunny because only he brings delicious cadbury creme eggs. while others may keep trying nobunny knows easter better than cadbury. i already feel like we're the most connected but i think this solo date will seal the deal. sure! i offer multi-car, safe driver, and so many other discounts that people think i'm a big deal. and boy, are they right. ladies, i can share hundreds in savings with all of you! just visit progressive.com today. but right now, it's choosing time. ooh! we have a winner. all: what? [chuckles] he's supposed to pick one of us.
this is a joke, right? that was the whole point of us being here. (car starting) great. this is the last thing i need. seriously? the last thing you need is some guy giving you a new catalytic converter when all you got is a loose gas cap. what? it is that simple sometimes. thanks. now let's take this puppy over to midas and get you some of the good 'ol midas touch. hey you know what? i'll drive! and i have no feet... i really didn't think this through. trust the midas touch. for brakes, tires, oil, everything. (whistling) before earning enough cash back from bank of america to help pay for her kids' ice time. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time. and 2% back at the grocery store. even before she got 3% back on gas all with no hoops to jump through. katie used her bankamericard cash rewards credit card to stay warm and toasty during the heat of competition. that's the comfort of rewarding connections.
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> and you're actually supposed to be here last week. put a very exciting event happened jiecialg that's right. i was supposed to be on the show last week but i was invited to the white house. >> jon: were you expecting him to take you into your confidence. conan, come over here. >> larry: the nightly. (applause) >> larry: we're talking about space that's right neil degrasse tyson, you're
not the only brother who can talk about this stuff on tv. should we give up on space travel? no lets's keep it goingment i don't want to see captain kirk cry again. (laughter) >> larry: nerds are signing up to go 2 xi 2 on a mission to mars. we choose to go to mars, to the because it's easy but because we have a unshakable death wish. this is the nightly show. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: wow, thank you thank you very much. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. look a lot of you may not know this it's true. i'm a huge space nerd, okay.
or blerd if you will. if you don't know what that means you can always bloogle it, okay. anyway, i grew up loving space. and space love is a tough love because the object of your affection space, will crush your lungs and suck clean every fluid from your body in mere seconds. is it like marriage? in many ways yes, it is. (laughter) anyway today is a key day in space such exciting news. on screen. >> the second of three space walks at the international space station took place today with commander barry wilmore. >> nasa light engineer barry wilmore. >> barry wilmore. >> barry wilmore. >> astronaut barry wilmore. >> snapped a selfie outside the space station. >> larry: that's right earthbound bitches respect respect! (cheers and applause) barry wilmore walking in space. i can't believe it.
i mean i love space and now space is the hottest new hero has a name one letter away from mine. i mean this is like if you are a huge music fan in the early '60s and your name was nick jagger, or if you were a big fan of the moving snow tigers and your name was bliegfried n roy. but this goes beyond just a name. so tell me more about this adorable sounding barry wilmore. >> u.s. navy captain barry wilmore grew newspaper mt. juliet tennessee. wilmore walked on the football team at tennessee technological university. wilmore made two deployments during operation desert storm then went to the navy test pilot school. >> oh my god! i mean i grew up in a town. i like football. i remember operation desert storm! i have rid then